Possibly the Most Honest Post I Will Ever Write

Consider yourself warned.

If you look closely at this blog you will find that the attempts at witty self-deprecation mask roiling inner turmoil. Like most people, throughout my life I have found myself in many states besides contentment: teen angst, burning insecurity, tense undercurrents of anxiety, inexplicable but pervasive moodiness. But the past few months can only be described as depression, in the truest sense of the word.

I woke up late every morning and desired only to sleep more. The remnants of usual human duty whispered to me that I had to go to school. On the better days I listened, but many days I opted to remain as removed from daily life as possible, lying prone and blank until my joints ached from lack of movement.

Depression is like losing parts of yourself in a slow steady succession: first your thirst for social contact goes, then your interest in usual pastimes wanes. You stare at your book, your music, consider watching a DVD. But none seem particularly attractive. By this time, your disconnect from reality has obscured whatever goals you may have held. Finally your sense of self slowly erodes, because without things to go out and do, people to do them with, and objectives to look ahead to, how can you know what you want? After all, each day is driven by a want and the pleasure we get from fulfilling it, whether it’s talking with a friend or reading a book or working towards a degree by attending a class. Each day should move you forward in some way, and depression renders you completely static.

I’ve been out of commission, not just from this blog, but from life itself. There are many things I have to go about doing, from getting back in touch with people to finding a job to  not failing out of Concordia (ah, summer school: the ever reliable second chance). This blog isn’t particularly productive, in the way that there is nothing concrete to show for it except some letters floating in cyberspace. Because of this it often gets pushed back to the end of my list. After all, blogs are just indulgent ramblings. But I’d like to think there is a small amount of insight or humour to be found inside these ramblings.

Plus some self-help book declares that if you want to succeed at something you have to practice it for something ridiculous like 10,000 hours so I have a lot more inflicting of the interwebs with my half-baked ideas to come.

I LOVE YOU ALL AND IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK.

~ by aconno on July 10, 2009.